Aries (March 21 - April 20)
God bless Texas Pete! You’re fixing to make a decision that’s bigger than the backside of a bread baker (and half as pretty). Try not to sweat it, Sweets.
Mercury will have you feeling saucier than Mama’s carbonara by the 9th. Just be sure your mouth doesn’t overload your rump. Like it or not, Mars will have you reheating old cabbage on the 19th. Bring a fresh perspective. Otherwise, you’re liable to find yourself in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek’s bowels after a quarter-pound of brie.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Wake up and smell the doggone coffee, Toots. Dreaming is as useless as tits on a tomcat unless you’re willing to chase after them. That said, you’ve got more energy than a 16-oz. can of shook-up Red Bull this month, Honey. Unleash it — for Pete’s sake, if not your own. Venus and Pluto will have you in a dither at the month’s end. Suck it up, Sugar. You’re not the only one in a pretty pickle. Oh, and remember: If at first you ashould succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
For the love of Lysol, Child! This month is liable to plum stink (unless, of course, you’re willing to stop being so cotton-picking competitive). Jupiter will have you busier than a moth in a mitten on the 11th. Remember: A sharp ax is better than a big muscle, Doodle Bug. On the 17th, Venus will have you feeling keen as mustard seed. Try not to let it get to your thick head, Dumpling. Everyone already knows you’re brighter than a boiled peanut. Your arrogance is as welcome as a pork chop in a synagogue.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Dill my pickle, Pumpernickel. News nicer than ninepence is heading your way on the 3rd. Practice a bushel and a peck of patience or it’ll be as useful as lips on a chicken. On the 17th, Saturn will have you itchy as the grass is green to resolve an issue with someone close as kin. Like my Aunty Pearl used to say, “Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” Take a hike on the 20th. Seriously. That routine of yours is dull as dishwater, Child.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
Well I’ll be Sam Hill. Biting off a little more than you can chew, aren’t you, Sugar Lump? Although Saturn has you bolder than Arabica coffee beans on the 3rd, be sure to balance that gusto with a little something called common sense. On the 9th, Mercury will have you flapping your gums like Mr. Ed after a spoonful of Skippy — you’ll be red as a beetroot if you let too much slip. Oh, and keep your composure on the 21st, would you? Excuses are like backsides. Trust me, everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
That rumbling in your stomach isn’t from the beer-battered onions, Sweetie. Those are nerves — and you’d be wise to listen to them. Although your insides feel as twisted around as a two-pronged corkscrew — especially on the 3rd — acting brashly will prove as useful as a knife in a gunfight. Lucky for you, the full moon on the 17th will be as refreshing as a dunk in the deep blue sea. Relish it, Pickle. ’Cause Venus is fixing to make you as crazy as a sprayed roach.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Pure as the driven slush, this month is liable to have more twists and turns than my favorite romance novel. Be flexible, Sweet Cheeks — and when Mercury goes retrograde on the 9th, for heaven’s sake, bite your tongue. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a situation that’s stickier than Grandpa’s handkerchief. Venus will try her darndest to throw a wrench into your love department on the 27th. If there’s one rat you see, there are 50 you can’t.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Listen up, Poopsy. This month might seem common as muck, but you’ve got another thing coming if you think you’re not making any progress. In conjunction with the new moon on the 3rd, an old idea of yours will finally begin to take root. Just try not to push your luck, Hon. On the 20th, you’ll feel pretty as a pickle spear. Use some of that confidence to tell someone you love exactly what’s been eating at you. I swear, you’re a fry short of a Happy Meal sometimes.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
If there’s one thing I learned from my exes, it’s this: Between the bug and the bee martin, it ain’t hard to tell which will get caught. That said, you’re walking the thin edge of a wedge this month, Toots. (And you’re blind as a mole if you can’t see that.) On the 11th, you’ll be busy as a blowfly trying to cover your keister. If you hide the fire, what’ll you do with the smoke, Einstein? Oh, and when it comes to personal affairs (on the 30th), don’t blame the cow when the milk gets sour.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Sure as a cat has climbing gear, you’ll feel lower than a worm belly in a wagon rut this month, Child. Keep that chin up. Believe it or not, the stars are on your side. The new moon on the 3rd will encourage you to chuck old plans and start afresh. Whatever you do, don’t hesitate, even if someone you love has you madder than a gum tree full of galahs on the 23rd. Peter Piper didn’t pick a peck of pickled peppers because he wanted to, Sweetie. Just saying.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
You’re greener than a fried pickle in the tall grass, Honey. (That has nothing to do with your horoscope. I just thought you should know that.) Hang on to your britches on the 3rd when things turn doggone cataclysmic. You’ll need to get your ducks lined up on the 11th to convince an authority figure that your new path isn’t battier than Babe Ruth’s bimbos. If you’re careful, the end of the month could shape up well. But whatever happens, it’ll be better than a slap in the face with a wet fish. I can just about promise you that.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
Bless your little ticker, you’re about as wise as a slab of flank steak, Sweetie. The new moon on the 3rd will have your hopes higher than Tommy Chong on Earth Day. I hate to break it to you, Dumpling, but you’re a few dice short of Yahtzee if you think those dreams of yours won’t require a little blood, sweat and tears. I hope to high heaven you’re a good hurdler. You’ll have quite a few obstacles in your path on the 18th. A soreback mule is a poor hand at guessing the weight of a sack of meal. PS
