Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Holy canola oil, Child. Darned if you aren’t as ornery as a teething tot with nothing to chew on. Just remember, it’s all about perspective, Poopsy. Bad ain’t good until worse happens. Lucky for you — and for those still able to stand you — Venus will have you grinning like a goat in a briar patch on the 5th. And when Saturn enters your sign on the 18th, life will be sweeter than Mama’s candied yams. Alas, Hon. Danger and delight grow on the same stalk.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
My ex-husband — twice removed — used to say bed is the poor man’s opera. I say he’s full of bologna. But the jackhole had a point. Venus will have you itching to indulge this month. Do yourself a favor and avoid excess. Otherwise, well, don’t go barefoot when you scatter thorns! And though you’d sooner sniff glue than make a decision on the 10th, buck up and face the music, Dollface. You know what they say, God will give you the nuts, but it’s up to you to crack ‘em.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20)
Well kick my bucket, Bumpkin. You’re in for a month that’s hairier than Uncle Larry’s barred soap. The stars will start stirring up trouble for you on the 1st, but that don’t mean you’ve got to get your skivvies in a twist. That’s like squatting with spurs on. Bite your tongue on the 10th to keep from hurting someone you love. Sometimes the best armor is simply staying out of range. The Winter Solstice will have you feeling fresher than Alaskan salmon by the month’s end. But don’t shake the tree when the pears fall off themselves.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Sweet Sassy Molassy, Pickle Bottom. Things are looking chancier than scrapple pie this month. Turn whine into mortar on Dec. 5 if you know what’s good for you. And if you want your eggs hatched, you’d better sit on them yourself. A lunar eclipse on the 10th will have you itchier than Grandpa’s scalp to kick an old habit to the curb. Higgity Piggity, Poopsy. Between saying and doing, many a pair of shoes is worn out. Let bygones be bygones by the grace of the Winter Solstice. That said, peace, love and turtledoves, Toots.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Well butter my bourbon biscuit. Hate to break it to you, Child (but not really), the dog wags his tail, not for you, but for your bread. Bless your pea picking heart. You act like you hung the doggone moon. On the 11th, feed your head with a little something called knowledge, Sweetheart. Innovation breeds innovation, after all. And if you’re hoping to muster up a plan to expand your realms, you’re not going to find it in a box of bran flakes. He who knows little quickly tells it.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
I’ll be a chunky knuckle. Love and eggs are best when fresh. But excuses stink no matter what. When Venus has you grumpier than Ebenezer on the 1st, do everyone else a favor and practice a little cotton-picking patience. Like Mama would say, “Better a mouse in the pot than no meat at all.” In the middle of the month, you’ll feel like tossing caution to the wind and jumping into new endeavors. Do it to it, Sweetheart. Whatever it takes to hoist you out of that wagon rut.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Punch my dough. Emotions are a funny thing — and a full cup must be carried steadily. That said, you’re in for a month that’s richer than Aunt Martha’s Moravian sugar cake (and hotter than Neese’s sausage)! Don’t worry so much about the future, Toots. And when Venus tries whisking you away from your routine on the 20th, roll with it — for Pete’s sake, if not your own! You can measure a thousand times. But you can only cut once.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
Heavens to Betsey Johnson. If you want your dreams to come true, Pumpkin, don’t sleep. (And since you’re wound tighter than a two-dollar watch, I presume you’re in for a month that’s busier than a stump-tailed calf at fly time.) Jupiter may have you itching to stretch yourself too thin on the 8th, and when the fox preaches on the 20th, for heaven’s sake Child, look to the geese! Oh, and fear not a jest on the 29th, Bean Stalk. If one throws salt at you, the only thing that can harm you is a sore place.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
Jack Sprat could eat no fat. He could kiss my dumplings, though. When you feel you’ve bitten off more than you can chew this month, be sure to make the time to delight in life’s simple pleasures. Just don’t speak of rhinos when there’s no tree around. The full moon eclipse on the 10th will cause you to take a step back and evaluate the mayhem you call a routine. Just remember, if you can’t get what you love, love what’s in your reach.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
In calm water, every ship has a good captain. Unlucky for you, this month is liable to be choppier than a Vince Offer infomercial. Although you’d sooner pickle paint chips than make a decision on the 1st, hemming and hawing will only prove a further setback. On the 7th, speak of the devil and he appears. And if you can learn to show a little cotton-picking humility on the 11th, you’ll find life to be a lot more palatable. If not, well, add a little pepper and suck it up, Sugar Britches.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I say yada yada. Lord knows it’s tougher than a two-dollar steak. When Mercury goes retrograde on the 4th, you’ll find the words to say but no time to say ’em. C’est bien, Poopsy. If it ain’t madness, it ain’t love. When the Winter Solstice sparks some hefty changes on the 22nd, don’t throw away the old bucket lest you know the new one works. And on the 24th, fish or cut the bait, Sweetheart. Oh, and if there is no wind, row. PS
Astrid Stellanova, 58, owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in Windblow, NC, for many years until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings opened up a new career path. Feel free to contact Astrid for insights on your personal stars or hair advice for any occasion at astridstellanova@rocketmail.com.
