Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) Bless your little heart. You have about as much insight as a can of alphabet soup on the bargain shelf of the Piggly Wiggly. (Luckily you’ve got me here for guidance.) Although the new moon will plow a new path of opportunity for you in the beginning of the month, you’d be wise to bite your tongue on the 12th. You know what they say; a mosquito says grace too loud for her own good. On the 20th, your imagination will be running wilder than a feral pig through the forest. Run with it, Cakeface! And for Pete’s sake, stop clinging to the past — it’s as useless as a doggone bent screw.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Inspired by the new moon on the 2nd, feel free to retreat into your inner world. When Venus flaunts into your sign on the 5th, you’ll be itchier than Pam Anderson in a burlap brassiere to kick your life into high gear. Keep your nose to the grindstone and save the pacing mare for Sunday. Trust me, Sweetheart. By the month’s end, you’ll be sizzling like grandma’s pan-fried yams — even if you are flakier than the Pope is Catholic!
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
For the love of lump meat, Child, Mars has you touchier than Pee Wee Herman during the showing of an adult film! With Mercury’s grace on the 20th, your imagination will be brighter than the backside of a baboon — assuming, of course, you make it through the 12th! Oh, and be easy on yourself on the 22nd; a poor decision is going to do heck of a lot more than perpetuate your fear of commitment! Don’t worry; it’s easy to get off a bucking mule.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
News flash, Sweet Cheeks: It ain’t all about the Benjamins, Baby! Your life will be as bland as boiled oats if you think otherwise. That said, be ready for Venus to shake you up like a dirty gin martini on the 9th. Whether it’s guilt or jealousy that starts fizzing over, you’re a conversation away from an emotional mess. Forgive and forget on the 19th if you care anything about genuine happiness. Like they say, the black gum laughs at the red oak when the woodcutter comes around.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
I declare! Last month was about as dull as a plastic butter knife, Honey. A planetary shift on the 3rd will have you itchier than a pair of tweed toe socks to do the same. Guess what? The world’s a-waiting on you! Choose your words carefully on the 14th; for better or worse, you’ll be plucking on somebody’s heartstrings like a left-handed lute. By the 25th, you’ll finally have your bags packed for a grand new adventure. (Metaphorically, anyway.) Remember, the dinner bell always rings in tune.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
As a wise playwright once said, “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” What a load of hogwash! On the 5th, romance is about to start simmering like a pot of she-crab soup. Although Valentine’s Day may seem as stale as an open box of Apple Jacks, the 20th will be juicier than teriyaki pork chops if you let it. Just remember, sometimes you’ve got to go pink-bellied. A bull without horns can still do some right sharp pushing.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 23)
Trouble is seasoning, Sweetheart. Try as you might, reaching your goals ain’t gonna be as easy as shaking salt on a bird’s tail all the time. Some things are just up to the stars. (That said, expect a month that’s tougher than pork gristle!) But keep the faith, a much-needed breath of fresh air will be granted on the 20th. Just be sure to take the time to enjoy it before it’s gone. Hey, better gravy than no grease at all.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
Mink coats, pink boats, root-beer floats. The new moon on the 2nd will leave you as scatter-brained as a fruit fly in the north wind! Corn can’t grow in the same field as crows, Sweetie. Even you know that! Focus your energy on one thing at a time if you ever hope to achieve anything resembling success. On the 9th, trust your hunches. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek’s bowels after a prune juice smoothie! As my Uncle Foote always says, liquor talks mighty loud when loose from the jug.
Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
Meat fried today won’t last until night. You’re sillier than a troop of cockeyed sea monkeys if you think otherwise. Venus and Pluto will play a game of tug-of-war with your heart on the 9th; I hope to high Heavens neither wins, but it doesn’t take a prophet to predict bad luck! Things will start looking up for you on the 17th, if only in your dreams. Figure out a way to translate your good ideas into reality; the bullfrog never makes a mistake when he starts singing.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
A’ bon chat, bon rat. Pardon my French — it means tit for tat; a good rat for a good cat. A risk you consider taking on the 4th is liable to lead you into a situation that’s stickier than salt water taffy. It’s no skin off my back whether or not you choose to believe me, Dumpling. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. Bottling up your feelings on the 13th won’t do you a pinch of good; neither will letting them explode like a shook-up can of Dr. Thunder. The angleworms aren’t anxious for the fish to bite, Hon.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Careless actions on the 4th are liable to lead you into a situation that’s dicier than a game of craps. Setting hens don’t hanker after fresh eggs, Sugg’ums. That’s what my Aunty Pearl used to say. Sense as common as a nail in a boot heel is hard to come by on the 15th. I suppose that’s what happens with a heart that’s greener than pickled pigs feet. When memories awaken old dreams on the 18th, you’d be wise to set about reaching for them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
The stars are on your side this month, Beanpole. If you weren’t flakier than a puff pastry you might could see that. On the 4th, Mars will give you a gentle nudge to help initiate change — I say pay attention before you get shoved down and trampled over! A rabbit knows fox tracks the same as a hound does. In the middle of the month, Mercury will urge you to reorganize your priorities. (The new season of Glee isn’t going to make the cut.) The sky’s the limit, Pumpkin. You’ve just got to map it out.
