Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Ah la vache, mon poupée. Pardon my French, Sweet Cheeks, but you’re in for a month that’s hairier than the inside of Larry King’s sneezer. Though the new moon will have you questioning your core on the 1st, rest assured that nothing’s set in stone. (Still, when in doubt, carry a chisel.) By the middle of the month, Mercury will have you brewing up an idea that’s about as bright as frying bacon in the nude. Like Mama always said, the world is your oyster, mon chou. Whether it’s fried, deviled or smothered in Tabasco is up to you.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
You must be bored out of your gourd with that routine of yours, Ham Bone. Do yourself a favor and get lost on the 1st of the month. Seriously, Hon. A little spontaneity ain’t going to turn your worm. If you can learn to let things go, your imagination is liable to run wilder than a March hare by the 7th. Let it, Poopsy, even if life becomes dicier than a Spam sandwich by the middle of the month. Although you’d sooner watch paint dry than address relationship issues, keep in mind: What’s good for the gander is good for the goose.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
As you go through life, two rules must never bend: Never whittle toward yourself or pee against the wind. For that matter, keep your words soft and sweet too, Cake Face. Like it or not, you’ll be eating them on the 3rd. Oh, and try not to get your knickers in a knot on the 13th when Mercury has you feeling useless as a bent screw. Sure enough, you can’t fix everything, Sweetie. Bless your heart. You’re fixing to be more confused than a Junebug in July. I just hope for your sake fuzzy logic doesn’t tickle.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
I’d sooner chew sand than swap shoes with you this month, Toots. No offense. Though you’re itchy as a flea-bitten pup for a taste of something new, it’d sure help if you had the faintest clue as to what you want. When Jupiter enters your sign on the 4th, play close attention to the signs life provides — the direction of the wind says more than a Chinese fortune cookie sometimes. And don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself on the 26th, Sugar. Spit happens as is. There’s certainly no need to go recruiting more of it.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
I declare. You’ve got the patience of a peanut, Pumpkin. Good thing, too. You’ll need it on the 2nd when life just about turns bass akwards. On the 18th, Venus will have you wound tighter than a cymbal-banging monkey. Kick off your shoes and relax, Ham Hock. Unnecessary stress is no less appealing than swapping spit with kin. Oh, and if you must choose between two evils on the 22nd, pick the one you’ve never tried before. Actions speak louder than words … unless, of course, you plumb shout.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out, Bean Stalk. That said, you’ve got a lot of choices to make this month, Lord love you. Though you’re happy as the day is long on the 8th, keep in mind: Blind optimism can be reckless as a bull in a china shop. I say can your fantasies and face the music on the 9th if you know what’s good for you. Of course, I’d sooner watch paint dry than be in your shoes at the end of the month. A big change is looming, Peanut. But don’t sweat it. You’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Hate to break it to you, Sweet Cheeks, but that butter ain’t going to spread this month. With Mercury shifting into your sign on the 2nd, you’ll need to stay focused for a spell if you care anything about getting others to hear you out. Oh, and try not to let your expectations rise higher than you can swat a fruit fly, would you? Otherwise, be prepared to find yourself in a situation that’s stickier a used hanky. Heaven help you, Ham Bone. You’re at the end of the beans.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Well can my yams. You’re hotter than Carolina asphalt this month, Sunshine. With the grace of the new moon on the 1st, you’ve got the gumption to face whatever the wind blows your way. Just remember, Pudding, as you sow so shall you reap. With Neptune as your muse, the sky’s the limit on the 15th. You’re fit as a butcher’s dog to reach your dreams, don’t you forget it — so long as you don’t try to teach your grandma to suck eggs.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
You can’t make omelets without breaking eggs, Pickle. You know that. With change heading your way faster than you can say Bob’s your uncle, you’d be wise to hang tight lest you have no future plans to prosper. As they say: Rome wasn’t built in a day. Oh, and don’t take yourself so cotton-picking seriously on the 9th, Hon. Sometimes you’ve got to put a little pepper in the gumbo. Just don’t let your mouth overload your rump at the end of the month. Nothing is certain but death and taxes, Toots.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20)
Life’s not all beer and skittles, Sweetie, though it sure is nice to think so sometimes. When Venus enters your sign on the 9th, consider it high time to step out of your shell — even if you’d sooner drink dishwater than do so. You’re liable to find yourself in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek’s bowels after a corned beef brisket if you’re not willing to speak what’s on your mind. Trust me, Hon, you’ll be pleased as punch at the month’s end if you play your cards right. The proof is in the pudding. You’ll see soon enough.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
I’ll tell you like my mama told me: What can’t be cured must be endured. That said, when life has you feeling lower than a worm’s belly in a wagon rut on the 6th, can it and screw the moose! I swear, Child, sometimes you’re as self-righteous as a street corner preacher. Let a bright idea simmer on the 16th before broadcasting it to the wider world — a little shuteye can be as refreshing as a second opinion. Oh, and on the 21st, have heart, Dear. Big oaks from little acorns grow.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Cut the thistles in May, they’ll grow in a day; cut them in June, that is too soon — or too late, in your case. Although you’re more bent out of shape than a plastic spoon after a trip through the steam cycle on the 2nd, keep the faith, Dumpling. Jupiter will have you distracted from life’s queries by the middle of the month. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind, so keep your eyes peeled on the 17th for a sign — figurative, literal or otherwise. For what it’s worth, it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. PS
Astrid Stellanova, 58, owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in Windblow, NC, for many years until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings opened up a new career path. Feel free to contact Astrid for insights on your personal stars or hair advice for any occasion at astridstellanova@rocketmail.com.
