Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) Bless your lucky charms, Child. Dreaming is about as useless as a grave robber in a crematorium if you don’t have the gumption to make your fantasies real (which, no offense, Honey, I’m not so sure that you do). Try not to overindulge on the 10th lest you care to find yourself in a situation that’s stickier than soda syrup. Oh, and at the end of the month, prepare to be caught up in the middle of a cosmic tug-of-war. Remember, the distance to the next milepost depends on the mud in the road, Baby Cakes.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
That voice inside your head doesn’t mean you’re crazy, Sweetie. (If it did, I’d be battier than Tammy Faye Baker’s lashes.) Listen to your gut for guidance, especially on the 4th when the new moon has you itchier than a case of the pinworms for a little change of pace. On the 15th, new ideas will be sizzling in your brain like a litter of beer-battered hushpuppies — don’t let them get away, Hon. As my Aunty Pearl used to say, “The bullfrog never makes a mistake when he starts to sing.”
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
For the love of lump crab, you’re flakier than a puff pastry this month, Sugar Britches. Inflate your floaties on the 9th when Mercury floods you with so many thoughts you’re liable to plumb drown if you aren’t careful. There’s no turning back on the 11th when you begin to plow a path to a new opportunity. Just remember, your actions may have a domino effect on those around you. Still, you can’t tell much about chicken pie until you get through the crust, Tootsie.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Watch out when you’re getting what you want. Fattened hogs ain’t in luck. Although you’re itchy as eczema for a bit of spontaneity on the 9th, don’t take too big a start to jump a ditch, Sweetie. On the 13th, you’ll find yourself in a bigger bind than irritable bowels after a prune juice smoothie — if you can ride it out until the 15th, a solution will be clear as Crystal Light. The rabbit thinks experience costs too much if you get it from a trap. Remember that.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
The rooster makes more racket than the hen that laid the eggs. (Don’t act like you don’t know what that means, Sweetie.) Although you’ll feel spicier than Cajun mayo on the 4th when the new moon illuminates a new opportunity, do be sure to look before you leap. Otherwise, you’re liable to be in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek’s mustache to a pair of throatless shears. When Mercury goes retrograde on the 30th, it may be time for a little personal re-evaluation. Loading a wagon with hay ain’t the quickest way to get religion, Sugar.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
Slow and steady wins the race? My foot. Things look sweeter than rice pudding in the love department for you this month, Hambone. Just be sure to keep an open mind on the 6th lest you and your beau find yourselves in a pickle that’s greasier than grandpa’s pomade. The full moon on the 19th will help you to focus enough to line your ducks up. I say take advantage of that energy before you feel as drained as an old car battery. You know what they say, “Don’t get caught with your pants down, Darling.”
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
For the love of pickled pigs feet, Child, you’re bolder than a brandy snifter this month! (Too bad you’re as confused as a baby in a topless bar to boot.) Although a disagreement on the 13th may evolve into a situation that’s stickier than salt-water taffy, biting your tongue may be the quick fix. Mercury will have you feeling as ornery as an Irishman in a dry county on the 18th. Get over yourself, Toots. And for Pete’s sake, don’t try to rake up the family secrets of every sausage you eat.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Fry my bacon brown! Venus has you hotter than a pot of she-crab soup on the first of the month, Hon. Share the love. Otherwise, that feeling is as pointless as an ashtray on a crotch rocket. You may dance your way into some risky business on the 9th. Don’t sweat it. A hole in your britches may let in a heap of uneasiness — it can also teach you to sew. Pluto will have you picking at an old scab like it’s a doggone dulcimer around the 20th. Before healing others, heal yourself, Child.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Well can my yams! Change bigger than Charlie Sheen’s slush fund is heading your way faster than Jackie Chan can chop liver. Too bad you can’t hurry up the good times by waiting for them. On the 13th, Mercury will give you the gumption you need to confront an acquaintance about serving you the short end of the stick. A full purse ain’t half as good as an empty one is bad. A little initiative can go a long way, Darling. Your life doesn’t have to be as stale as an open box of Cocoa Krispies.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
I’ll be an uncle’s knuckle. Mercury will have your mind sizzling like a beer-battered beef fajita on the 9th. Luckily, you’re charming enough that people will listen to all the poppycock you’ll find necessary to gab about. The spring equinox on the 20th might have your fuse shorter than a leprechaun’s pinky, but that doesn’t mean you have to blow up. A crow is a first-rate hand to thin corn. Do what you love, and good fortune will follow.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
You’re greener than tomatillos if you think soft ground don’t tell a heap of tales. Learn from others this month, Sugar, especially on the 3rd, when a friend you know stumbles into a briar patch of troubles. (I tell you, trying to understand some folks is like guessing at the direction of a rat hole underground.) Say what you mean on the 14th before Mars tempts you into a situation that’s stickier than goose grease. If you play your cards right, you’ll be pleased as a pickle by the month’s end, Dumpling.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
The humdrum of everyday life has you itchier than a wool peignoir to dig your fingers into something new. The universe is looking out for you, Buttercup. I’m just afraid those ideas of yours require more time to marinate. Nonetheless, you’ll have an opportunity to take action on the 20th in conjunction with the spring equinox — try not to botch it up. Tomorrow’s ashcake is better than last Sunday’s pudding. Open your eyes to a new way of seeing things, Sweetheart. PS
