Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
I do declare. You may be a sweet talking thing, but you’re as full of wind as a corn-eating horse. When someone takes your words too literally on the 2nd, you’ll be busy as a stump-tailed cow at fly time trying to cover up your keister. (Nothing new there.) Regardless, Venus will have you feeling sappy as the trunk of a maple by the middle of the month. Like all prized commodities (beauty, time and pigs, for instance), romance too is fleeting. For Pete’s sake, Sweet Cheeks, pee or get off the pot. You know what I’m talking about.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Well, dog my cats. The new moon on the 3rd just may be the nudge you need to do a little soul searching. When it comes to affairs of the spirit, try keeping things private, Poopsy. There’s no need to go exploiting your life on My Face — or whatever the kids are calling that social networking doohicky these days. On May 11, Mercury will just about put the pepper in the gumbo. But don’t eat your supper before you say grace. You’re sort of letting the tail wag the dog otherwise, Toots.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
You’re about as anxious as a Dalmatian at a Jackson Pollock workshop, Sweet Pea. Relax, would you? The planets are on your side. (Practice a little cotton-picking patience and you’ll see what I mean.) A gamble you make on May 11 may not make you rich, but it sure as heck won’t cause you to go hungry. And you’ll finally get what you’ve been hoping for on the 17th as long as you’re simply willing to ask for it. Just keep in mind: Tomorrow may be the carriage-driver’s day for plowing.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
Mercy me. If brains were leather, you wouldn’t have enough to saddle a June bug (bless your heart). When Mars ups your energy on the 1st, you’ll have more gusto than Grandma’s zucchini codfish. Try not to spend it all in once place, Poopsy. On the 13th, Pluto will remind you there’s a price to pay for everything in life. Open one door, and risk losing access to another. As my Uncle Foote used to say, “The fellow who takes the shortest road to the dollar generally takes the longest road away from it.”
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
Well, if Grandma don’t punch down the dough! April’s codswallop may have left your head feeling foggier than a batch of Blue Ridge cider, but try not to sweat it, Sunshine. The new moon on the 3rd will slap you back to reality faster than you can say Bob’s your uncle. You’d better face the music on the 17th — even if it ain’t exactly a tune you want to hum along to. It’s never good to go off half-cocked, Honey. Even you should know that.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Put your tray table up, Sweetheart. Ready or not, erratic planetary behavior is liable to trigger more ups and downs than an orgy of clowns this month. Reach for the stars on the 1st when Jupiter has you feeling hotter than two goats in a pepper patch. (But don’t get your feathers ruffled if you don’t get exactly what you want.) If you’re willing to keep a level head on the 15th, life will be sweeter than Grandma’s kettle corn in your love department. As they say, “Rails split before breakfast will season the dinner.”
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Wrap me in jerky and call me a steak, good things come to those who wait. Try not to get your knickers in a twist on the 3rd when the new moon brings advice as welcome as Gilbert Gottfried at tea time. It wouldn’t kill you to open your mind, Sweet Pea. Sheesh. Even a pig has enough arithmetic to take the shortest cut through a thicket. Practice a little balance toward the end of the month too, Sugar (particularly on the 21st). Trust me, you can have your steak and eat it too.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
Deep-fried fiddle sticks! Jupiter has more passion pumping through your veins than the front row of a Justin Bieber concert. Use that hunk of energy constructively, Cake Face. As they say, “A whistling woman and a crowing hen never comes to a very good end.” Search for answers within yourself on the 17th — just don’t expect to solve anything by deciphering the sounds of your stomach, Toots. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a pretty pickle at the end of the month.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. You’ll feel chancier than a game of Russian Roulette on the 1st, but that’s all fixing to change. The sun will plum knock you back on your haunches faster than Chuck Norris can chop suey. Oh, and don’t let Neptune fool you on the 12th when life seems breezier than a pair of worn out britches, Sweetie. Blind optimism is scarier than Joan Rivers without her face paint. Life is like a box of chocolates? Right. And fish don’t fart.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
For the love of lump crab, Sweetheart. What’s got you grinning like a dog eating peanut butter? It certainly ain’t in the stars. Getting others to jump on board of your grand idea on the 3rd should be about as easy as pulling hen’s teeth — you can thank Mars for that. Still, you’re liable to ruffle some feathers regardless of your charisma, so consider an alternative approach to your crusade. You know what they say, what you don’t have in your head, you’d darn well better have in your feet.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20)
Lord, love a duck! With expectations bigger than Charlie Sheen’s ego, finding contentment in life is about as difficult as finding religion in a can of creamed corn. The full moon on the 17th may very well signal the end of a long road. Tough luck, Pumpkin. You’re destined for a new direction. Regardless, things won’t exactly end on a high note for you this month. Crow and corn can’t grow in the same field, Sweetheart. Such is life.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Double double toil and trouble! You’re liable to find yourself in a situation hairier than Grandpa’s frikadeller meatballs. Cut the horseplay, Pork Chop. You’ll be busy as bloodworm in mulch if not. With Mercury in your sign on the 9th, don’t be surprised if you’re suddenly itchy as a case of the chicken pox for a grand new adventure. Don’t sweat it, Sweet Cheeks. Just sit tight. A blind horse doesn’t fall when he follows the bit. PS
Astrid Stellanova, 58, owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in Windblow, NC, for many years until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings opened up a new career path. Feel free to contact Astrid for insights on your personal stars or hair advice for any occasion at astridstellanova@rocketmail.com.
