Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
Well I’ll be a greased monkey. I’d sooner eat raw garlic than be in your shoes this month. That said, you’d be wise to tie loose ends before you pick up and go, Pistachio. Otherwise, well, prepare for a transition that’s tougher than Chinese math. Darned if you won’t find yourself in a pretty pickle on the 18th, Honey Child. I say chug the vinegar and soldier on. And when Mercury goes retrograde on the 24th, hang on to your britches. Speaking of, remember this: Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Holy guacamole. You’re greener than pickled pigs feet when it comes to the ways of the natural world, Sugar Buns. Take it from me. You don’t have to be a chicken to know a rotten egg. That said, it’s high time to do some cotton-picking housekeeping, you reckon? Pluto will have you hotter than blue blazes to initiate change in your professional realm too, particularly on the 11th. Get on with it, Cornstalk. Waiting around is about as useless as teats on a bullfrog.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
Sweet Milli Vanilli. Hate to break it to you, Cakeface, but you’re in for a month that’s lumpier than a batch of Mama’s maple cornmeal mush. Try not to get your skivvies in a twist on the 8th when Saturn has you feeling as ornery as a vegan at a schnitzel fest. Consider rounding up that pent-up frustration and using it to create something worthwhile. After all, when all’s said and done, your faith in the future is about as solid as a slice of sun-baked cow pie. Bless your heart.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20)
I swan. Mama always said there were three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who don’t know what’s happening. It don’t take a cotton-picking physicist to figure out which one you are, Child. Don’t take it personally. And try not to lose your footing on the 7th neither, particularly when Neptune leads you into a situation as slippery as a canned yam. Looks like the 27th is your day to shine. Just remember: You can’t steal second base with your foot on first.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
A fools says what he knows, a wise man says what he says. I say higgity biggity. I know if I were you I’d mince my words. When Venus has you feeling cheekier than Robin Goodfellow on the 2nd, you’d be wise to use that fleeting charm to your advantage, Toots. Lord knows it doesn’t come natural! And when you’re full of beans on the 23rd, for heaven’s sake, Honey, make haste! A mill can’t grind with water that is past.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Texas Pete. I may not have a solution, but I sure do admire the problem. It’s your nature, Pickle Bottom. Mercury will have you itchier than a case of the clap to try something new. Thank the high heavens too, Hon. I declare. You could bore the webbed feet off a muskrat. Watch your tongue on the 16th when Mars has you feeling sweeter than that dishy Derek Jeter. If you can’t deliver what you promise, you’re as doomed as a lit wick. Listen, Pumpkin. The last thing I want to do is insult you. ’Course, it’s still on my list.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Well I’ll be pruned. Although your judgment is as poor as an old church mouse, you’d be wise to follow your gut on the 3rd when Mercury has you feeling as bold as barrel-aged stout. The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese. On the 23rd, be ready to talk the salt out of a seahorse, whether you’re at the beach or not. And you know what they say about troubleshooting, Sugar Britches. Trouble is, trouble always shoots back.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Glory be. Is it just me or do strangers have the best candy? Listen, Sweetie. I digress. Sometimes your wants and needs are as different as chalk and cheese. You’ll know what I mean on the 5th. Keeping your nose to the grindstone in the middle of the month will be about as easy as putting lipstick on a pig (and loads less fun). Do yourself a favor and buck up, Bumpkin. And if at first you don’t succeed, well, just redefine success.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
Sticking feathers up your butt doesn’t make you a chicken, Dumpling. Fearing change does. When Mercury fills your noodle with clever ideas in the beginning of the month, let things marinate. Big trees from little acorns grow. ’Course, you’ve got to be willing to loosen your reins too. Hate to break it to you, Porkchop, but I’m afraid you’re wound tighter than a two-dollar watch. And if you don’t have anything nice to say on the 25th, well, then, you’ve been listening to me for too long.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
Well bless my Sunday bloomers. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory, Hon. Regardless, keep your spirits up this month when life seems to put a detour on your direct route. Life ain’t all beer and skittles, Cupcake. But good things come to those who wait. On the 15th, pucker up for a kiss that’ll right near have you seeing stars. Just try not to get too wrapped up in the romance, Child. Remember what you’re aiming for.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Well lick my leg. (No really, go ahead.) It pains me to say so, Pickle, but you’re in for a month that’s sweeter than a batch of Aunt Blanche’s jelly-filled sugar cookies. Wit and charm will be oozing from you like yellow goop from a sumac rash. Things are hotter than pan-seared sweet potatoes in the love department. Blah blah blah. I think I’m going to be sick, Honey. No offense. Still, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. PS
