Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
That’s not rotten squash you smell, Sugar. It’s change, and it’s heading your way faster than wild grass through a woodchuck. Grab life by the horns on the 13th when Saturn throws you more ups and downs than Mama’s favorite soap opera. When temptation as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party beckons on the 22nd, avoid it like the plague! They always say ye who never makes mistakes never makes discoveries. Scratch that notion, Pumpkin Face.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
Well if this don’t beat a goose a-pecking! You don’t have to stop being yourself for people to think you’re the berries, Child. Course, it wouldn’t kill you to eat a little humble pie, neither. On the 11th, the full moon will have you feeling sweeter than Mama’s apple bonbons just as sure as a cat has climbing gear. Use that hunk of energy to help others, Hon, particularly in the middle of the month when someone right near cooks your goose.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Put your tray table up, things are fixing to plumb take off! When Jupiter has your aspirations higher than a Carolina pine on the 5th, don’t bite off more than you can chew — you remember what happened last time you tried to pull that stunt, Sweetheart. On the 13th, things could get sloppier than grandma’s kisses if you let them. Let sleeping dogs lie and keep your eye on the prize. And when Mars has you feeling tougher than a two-dollar steak, well, I recommend you take full-fledged advantage.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
I declare. You may be a sweet-talking thing, but you’re right near as full of wind as a corn-eating horse. A slip of the tongue on the 3rd will have you busy as a stump-tailed cow at fly time trying to cover up your keister. (I’ll let you jerk yourself out of that knot, Hon.) By the 11th, your head’s liable to feel foggier than a batch of Blue Ridge cider. Don’t sweat it, Neptune will slap you back to reality faster than you can say Bob’s your uncle. Never you mind about that.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20)
Well, dog my cats. Jupiter just may give you the nudge you need to do a little soul searching, Sweet Pea. A word from the wise: Open your mind and shut your pie hole. Oh, and when it comes to affairs of the spirit, yours could use a little seasoning. Just don’t eat your supper before you say grace. On the 25th, reality may be tougher to stomach that Grandpa Harry’s meatballs. You’ll muster up the strength to soldier on, no doubt. What you lose on the swings you can gain on the roundabouts.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
For the love of pickled pigs feet, Child, Jupiter has you feeling friskier than two teens in the backseat of Mama’s Monte Carlo! Keep in mind: Loose lips sink ships. On the 11th, you’ll have to meet someone in the middle before either one of you can move forward — once you do, you’ll be more productive than a pair of Siamese rabbits after the oyster special. Save some of that gusto for the 26th when Venus plumb peppers up your gumbo.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Well I’ll be John Brown! With a to-do list bigger than Charlie Sheen’s slush fund, don’t be afraid to ask for a little help once in a cotton-picking while. (Your calendar needs a colonic cleanse just about as badly as I do!) On the 6th, prepare yourself for a situation that’s stickier than salted licorice. Just remember: If you chase two rabbits, you won’t catch one. Oh, and with the grace of the new moon on the 23rd, you’ll discover that an old concern of yours isn’t worth a wet whistle anymore. It’s always darkest just before the dawn.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Hot-ma Gandhi! With the full moon on the 11th, your social life is fixing to be in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek’s mustache to a pair of anvil pruners. Take advice from someone you respect on the 17th, even if truth’s a bitter pill to swallow. Oh, and keep your words soft and sweet this month, Baby Cake — you’ll be eating them on the 23rd if you’re not careful. You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
As my Uncle Foote used to say, snakes hang thick from a cypress tree like sausage on a smokehouse wall. You know what that means better than anyone. Although you’ll feel as disconnected as a hambone to split pea soup in the beginning of the month, hang tight for Neptune’s grace on the 21st when you’re able to start drawing blueprints for a brighter future. A getaway on the 28th will help hoist you out of the doldrums, just don’t forget your wits while you’re gone. By hook or by crook, leave the past for the wolves and soldier on, Beanstalk!
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23)
Lordy be. Darned if you couldn’t right near talk the hind leg off a dog. With Mars motivating you on the 11th, for Pete’s sake, Child, scratch what’s been itching you and make a move that’s more anticipated than the next movie in that dishy vampire saga. Trust me, Sugar Lump; with the grace of Neptune on the 21st, life will be spicier than grandma’s eggplant curry! Of course, happiness usually comes at a cost. Let the chips fall where they may.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
Bless your weary soul, the hits just keep on coming, Pumpkin. Don’t expect your imagination to save you from reality on the 6th, Sweetheart. I swan, that brain of yours is funnier than a fart in church. When Saturn tries to lead you astray on the 8th, think before you leap for once; otherwise, prepare yourself for a conflict as useful as a negligee on a wedding night. Like it or not, it’s time to wake up and smell the pork rinds, Sugar. You ain’t the only one with problems bigger than Barbra Streisand’s sneezer. PS
Astrid Stellanova, 58, owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in Windblow, NC, for many years until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings opened up a new career path. Feel free to contact Astrid for insights on your personal stars or hair advice for any occasion at astridstellanova@rocketmail.com.
