Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
When Mars jars your preserves on the 2nd, consider putting that hunk of energy to good use, like into a productive project of sorts. Otherwise, well, double double toil and trouble, Toots. And I don’t think you need me to spell that out for you. When Mercury goes retrograde on the 4th, hold your tongue before you go raisin’ Cain. I swan, handling things with grace is a gift that don’t come natural to you. But things will start looking up toward the end of the month. Until then, I’d sooner be a lamppost in Chicago than be in your shoes. And that’s the gospel truth.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Sweet Sassy Molassy. You could bore the hump off a camel, Cupcake. No offense. When Mercury has you feeling itchier than a case of the swamps, resist the temptation to drop the hammer, especially on the 5th. You know what they say: Setting hens don’t hanker after fresh eggs. On the 16th, Jupiter will give you the gumption you need to take your stand. ’Course, the new moon will just as soon knock you flat. But try not to sweat it, Hon. Lordy be, I feel a hot flash coming on.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Well glory be! I’d sooner swish fish oil than be in your shoes this month. Although addressing an issue in the love department sounds about as appealing as a plunk in the head from a falling chestnut, buck up, Bumpkin. For better or worse, you’re fixing to find yourself in a situation that’s hairier than second-hand skivvies. On the 11th, a wealth of opportunity awaits if you’re up for the plunge. If not, create your own happiness on the 21st when Neptune has you feeling sharper than blade of Bluegrass. And when life deals you lemons on the 25th, for Pete’s sake, Sweet Cheeks, fold!
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Gemini (May 22 - June 21) :Ah la vache, mon poupée. Pardon my French, Sweet Cheeks, but you’re in for a month that’s hairier than the inside of Larry King’s sneezer. Though the new moon will have you questioning your core on the 1st, rest assured that nothing’s set in stone. (Still, when in doubt, carry a chisel.) By the middle of the month, Mercury will have you brewing up an idea that’s about as bright as frying bacon in the nude. Like Mama always said, the world is your oyster, mon chou. Whether it’s fried, deviled or smothered in Tabasco is up to you.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) I do declare. You may be a sweet talking thing, but you’re as full of wind as a corn-eating horse. When someone takes your words too literally on the 2nd, you’ll be busy as a stump-tailed cow at fly time trying to cover up your keister. (Nothing new there.) Regardless, Venus will have you feeling sappy as the trunk of a maple by the middle of the month. Like all prized commodities (beauty, time and pigs, for instance), romance too is fleeting. For Pete’s sake, Sweet Cheeks, pee or get off the pot. You know what I’m talking about.
April: Aries
(March 21 - April 20) God bless Texas Pete! You’re fixing to make a decision that’s bigger than the backside of a bread baker (and half as pretty). Try not to sweat it, Sweets. Mercury will have you feeling saucier than Mama’s carbonara by the 9th. Just be sure your mouth doesn’t overload your rump. Like it or not, Mars will have you reheating old cabbage on the 19th. Bring a fresh perspective. Otherwise, you’re liable to find yourself in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek’s bowels after a quarter-pound of brie.
March: Pisces
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) Bless your lucky charms, Child. Dreaming is about as useless as a grave robber in a crematorium if you don’t have the gumption to make your fantasies real (which, no offense, Honey, I’m not so sure that you do). Try not to overindulge on the 10th lest you care to find yourself in a situation that’s stickier than soda syrup. Oh, and at the end of the month, prepare to be caught up in the middle of a cosmic tug-of-war. Remember, the distance to the next milepost depends on the mud in the road, Baby Cakes.
February: Aquarius
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) Bless your little heart. You have about as much insight as a can of alphabet soup on the bargain shelf of the Piggly Wiggly. (Luckily you’ve got me here for guidance.) Although the new moon will plow a new path of opportunity for you in the beginning of the month, you’d be wise to bite your tongue on the 12th. You know what they say; a mosquito says grace too loud for her own good. On the 20th, your imagination will be running wilder than a feral pig through the forest. Run with it, Cakeface! And for Pete’s sake, stop clinging to the past — it’s as useless as a doggone bent screw.